The Cheese Chronicles II

So, where were we?

Cheese and Cheeto headed out to Auto Zone. Cheese bought a couple of simple tools. One can be found in every tool box and one is useful for auto body repair. Then they drove across town to the address of the car's owner.

Cheese spent about 20 seconds getting the car started and another minute getting inside the locked car. He drove it to the car lot.

Cheeto's boss came out front, amazed that they were back so soon. In fact, he was so thrilled that he told Cheese he'd pay him $150 for every car he could repossess for them.

I asked Cheese where he'd acquired these special skills.

He said he paid attention in auto shop. It was evidently part of the curriculum. He told me the really simple way to use his two tools to start a car. I am dying to try it! But I'm also pretty sure I'd really mess something up. So, no life of crime for me just yet.

A couple of days later, Cheeto called again. This time he was supposed to repo a car from a lady who lives in a totally disreputable neighborhood. He really didn't want to try to take the car off the street in front of her house.

Cheese met his brother at the car lot and asked to see the owner's paperwork. He noted the name and address of her employer and told Cheese to drive him there.

As they drove by the business, Cheeto started whining that the car wasn't there.

"You gonna have to drive through the parking lot, not around it, fool!" Cheese told him. "You're in the dealership's car - they ain't gonna know who you are!"

They found the car sandwiched between two huge trucks in a back corner of the lot. They had to look close to see it. It was a tight fit. They got out to inspect the vehicle.

"Can you do it, Cheese?"
"Hell yeah, fool. But you gonna have to drive it."
"Why?"
"Cause that door is only gonna open a few inches and I can't fit inside!"

In another 15 minutes they were back at the car lot. The boss was ecstatic. He told Cheese he wanted him full-time. Cheese told him that was cool, but he didn't want to do grunt work, he wanted to sell cars.

The boss was fine with that, but explained that everyone started at the bottom. He could start out washing cars for $5.15 an hour plus a $30 bonus for every repo. Cheese laughed.

"You offered me $150 to do repos. Now you wanna pay me minimum? I don't think so!"

The boss looked Cheese over. Cheese is about 5"10 and weighs probably 320 pounds. He wears sagging shorts that reach to the tops of his socks and his expensive tennis shoes. He usually has on a huge silky sports jersey that matches whatever shorts he's got on. It generally covers his massive girth and reaches down to his knees. He wears bling in both ears and around his neck. "How are you gonna sell cars looking like that Cheese? You don't look like you could sell anything except drugs. You can't dress like a gangster. My salesmen have to wear khakis and polo shirts."

"I got those clothes. Those are my church clothes, man. I can look nice if I gotta."
"You go to church?"
"Hell yeah I got to church! I'm livin' straight man!"
"Well, I don't know. You have to do something about the way you talk. And can you read?"
"Can I read? Can I read?! Of course I can read! And I can speak right, too!"

Cheese and the boss are still negotiating. I'm betting Cheese will end up with whatever he asks for.

He was most offended that the boss questioned whether or not he could read. Cheese told me he never liked it before, but now he reads everything he can get his hands on. He actually likes it. Cheese said "I learned how to speak from reading. When you talk, people hear you. But when you speak, people listen."

Edited to add: Its been a week now and I haven't heard anything from Cheese, so I don't know if he got the job. But I do know that no matter what happens, Cheese is gonna make it.

And if I cross-stitched, I would so be hanging a read=speak=hear "sampler" on my wall right now.

And I swear by all that is even remotely holy, if blogger doesn't fix this stupid line break problem that makes my paragraphs run together, I'm gonna hurt someone or something.

The Cheese Chronicles

One sad day, Cheese is going to get off probation. I may be hard up for material at that point. Sometimes Cheese believes his own hype, and sometimes he thinks he's worthless. Just when you think you've figured him out, he surprises the hell out of you.

Cheese was going to quit the Sonic a couple of months ago. You may remember the story? He ended up staying because his new job was only for 3 or 4 hours a week. I don't know why restaurant managers think its even worth doing the paperwork to hire someone for such a pitiable amount of time, but it happens. Cheese kept both jobs stringing along, but he's gotten tired of it.

Cheese has a younger brother. His name is Cheeto, remember? Cheeto got a job at a used car lot. Its a shark pit. Cheeto started out washing cars. Now he's a salesman. Sort of.

He's been bugging Cheese to come down and buy a car from him. Everyday he comes home from work in a different car that he wants Cheese to look at and buy. Every day Cheese makes Cheeto show him the car, tell him the features, drive him around and negotiate financing. Every day Cheese tells him "Hell, no, fool! I ain't buyin' yo car."

Cheeto keeps trying.

Last week their mother's van broke down. Their dad has a car to get back and forth to work, but mom's got no wheels - she's afoot. Cheeto dragged her down to the car lot to look at their selection. He showed her several cars and made lots of promises. In the end she shook her head and said, "No, Cheeto. I'm not buying your car."

Cheese finally asked Cheeto "How many cars have you sold, fool?"

"What, this month?"

"This month or ever, fool!"

"Well, none," Cheeto admitted. But he had plans. He had cars. He was going to make it big at any moment.

Cheese started hanging out at the car lot, watching his brother. He gave Cheeto tips on how to talk to people. "Don't talk with your hands so much - people don't trust you when you wave your hands like that." "Don't start pushing cars at people the minute they get here. Let them walk around, see what you have before you start selling." "And shut the f*** up! You never stop talking - give people some room, fool!"

Cheeto still wasn't getting it. After all, he'd failed to sell a car to his own pedestrianized mother.

One day when Cheese stopped by the car lot, Cheeto came running to him for help. He had a customer who needed a car badly and she'd just gotten her tax refund. She was ready to buy. Cheeto was ready to screw it up. Cheese said he would make the sale, but he wasn't doing it for free. They quickly agreed that Cheese would get 10% of the commission. Cheese feed him the lines, a la Cyrano de Bergerac, and Cheeto made the sale. Cheeto was ecstatic. Cheese made some cash. He told Cheeto that each time he helped him, his commission would increase by 10%.

A couple of days later, Cheeto called Cheese at home. "Come meet me at work," he said. When Cheese got there he learned that Cheeto's boss told him to go repossess a car. He had no idea what to do or how to do it, but he knew he could call Cheese. Cheese told him "Get in the car, fool. We're going to Auto Zone."

To be continued...