Malapropistic Malfeasance

Alan is a character. He sees himself as a patriarch. A man who has suffered much, worked hard and is deserving of a long rest.

Trouble is, he is only 55, can't get approved to receive disability, and is trying to complete a felony probation for welfare fraud.

Alan does not have a strong grasp of the English language. He graduated from high school, but in a school where he was probably passed due to his athletic ability. I keep a notebook full of what we call "probation diseases". Medical terminology is hard enough to understand when you are a college educated person who uses it every day. The people we deal with have an even tougher time and it makes for some hilarious moments.

Alan is one of the best - a poor man's Gib Lewis. He recently told me about his brother-in-law who suffers from phosphate trouble. I referred him to a cancer support group in the area. During the same visit I commiserated with him over his wife who has ammonia. Told him there is now a pneumonia vaccine available and where they could go to get it at a reduced charge.

Then, as he was getting ready to leave, he promised me that he would finish up his community service hours this month. He planned to go work at the minefield and then he would be done. I immediately thought 'hell yeah, he'll be done!' and then realized he meant the landfill.

Conversations with Alan are never boring.